purplesmile's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What If I think I’m coming down with whatever it is that everyone else seems to have. My depth perception is off and I keep running into things and missing my target when I throw. I have more money than I thought I did because for unknown reasons I had two paychecks this past Friday instead of one. I’m a complete and total loser, but people say it’s good for me. I’m not exactly sure what I’ve been thinking lately. The thoughts haven’t been quality. I’ve been going to bed super early. I’m lonely lately. I’ve got one of the best friends I’ve ever had here at school, and there are always people in my room. But I’m still lonely. It’s not the love I’m craving. What bothers me about loneliness is that when I feel it, I think maybe I should be a nun, but then I realize I’m bitter. I realize with an attitude like mine, I certainly couldn’t, or shouldn’t, be a nun. Sex issues aside, I think I’d always wonder. I have a ‘what if’ complex. I constantly second-guess my decisions and myself. No matter what the situation, I always wonder what would have happened, would it have been better, how would it be different if I had picked the other way. Damned if I do, damned if I don’t. I know I should give the guessing up. I wish I knew how, because I lose a lot of the present thinking about how situations might have turned up differently. I have constant stomachaches lately, and I think it’s a combination of frustration, sickness, and taking too many Motrin on an empty stomach. I’m just not sure about anything right now, and my stupid head is full of those damn ‘what ifs.’ 9:21 p.m. - February 26, 2002 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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