purplesmile's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- stabilize/assuage Lately, merely seeing my director’s name in the “From” column of my email box makes my stomach lurch. I get so anxious when I need to walk by her office that it generally results in a detour to the bathroom first to evacuate my stomach of all contents. And that’s just to walk by her office, never mind the physiological consequences of needing to speak with her. I can’t explain this. She hasn’t really done anything to me recently. But then, maybe that’s just it. She’s taken, once again, to pretending I don’t exist. I can smile and say hello, and she’ll barely glance my direction. If she’s outside my office talking to my colleagues, I have to elbow my way into the conversation. I get the feeling I don’t belong here lately, and I think that’s exactly what she’s trying to convey. I interpret every memo about work improvement to be direct commentary to me, and the rare complimentary memos never mention my name anymore. I’m eating oatmeal to stabilize my stomach again, but really, a simple reassurance that I’m doing ok, that she doesn’t hate me, or that she isn’t going to scream at me would probably do the same. I hate looking for affirmation from the outside when the problem is probably with me, but some acknowledgement would go a long way to assuage my angst. Maybe I can change things come January. My fingers are crossed. 9:43 a.m. - August 28, 2007 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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