purplesmile's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- baby fever I have a sort-of niece, as of 9:37 this morning. I’ve not been around babies much. The last baby in my life was my little brother, and I was 5 when he was born. My family isn’t heavy on the breeding. I have some complicated feelings on pregnancy and childbearing and childrearing right now. I have this insane, ridiculous, tear-jerking urge to be pregnant right now. This isn’t the first time, though in the past it’s been induced by medical alterations of my hormones, a biological clock forced into ticking. This time, though, it’s entirely born out of…jealousy? I suddenly have this urge to be pregnant. I’m not sure it runs into an urge to have a family—I don’t think it does. But seeing her throughout her pregnancy, the way she looked, imagining her feelings, all those things that go along with pregnancy…I want that. Of course, I won’t have it. Besides my obvious anti-sperm policy, I am infertile due to years of bleeding scar tissue on my fallopian tubes. Besides my infertility, I am not ready for/wanting a family, and probably never will be. Besides my lack of desire for a family, even if I wanted one, I would not bear my own, because the social cost is too great for the already-born children of the world in need of love. I’m certain this is my personal, physical, social and even emotional stance. So why am I torn about my eagerness to see this baby? I don’t want to live vicariously through someone who isn’t even my own sister. I don’t know if seeing this perfect new baby will ease my feelings, make me realize fully how much I don’t want this, or if it will augment this heavy feeling that it’s one more opportunity other people get in life that I just can’t have/won’t get/don’t deserve. 10:50 a.m. - September 17, 2007 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- baby fever I have a sort-of niece, as of 9:37 this morning. I’ve not been around babies much. The last baby in my life was my little brother, and I was 5 when he was born. My family isn’t heavy on the breeding. I have some complicated feelings on pregnancy and childbearing and childrearing right now. I have this insane, ridiculous, tear-jerking urge to be pregnant right now. This isn’t the first time, though in the past it’s been induced by medical alterations of my hormones, a biological clock forced into ticking. This time, though, it’s entirely born out of…jealousy? I suddenly have this urge to be pregnant. I’m not sure it runs into an urge to have a family—I don’t think it does. But seeing her throughout her pregnancy, the way she looked, imagining her feelings, all those things that go along with pregnancy…I want that. Of course, I won’t have it. Besides my obvious anti-sperm policy, I am infertile due to years of bleeding scar tissue on my fallopian tubes. Besides my infertility, I am not ready for/wanting a family, and probably never will be. Besides my lack of desire for a family, even if I wanted one, I would not bear my own, because the social cost is too great for the already-born children of the world in need of love. I’m certain this is my personal, physical, social and even emotional stance. So why am I torn about my eagerness to see this baby? I don’t want to live vicariously through someone who isn’t even my own sister. I don’t know if seeing this perfect new baby will ease my feelings, make me realize fully how much I don’t want this, or if it will augment this heavy feeling that it’s one more opportunity other people get in life that I just can’t have/won’t get/don’t deserve. 10:50 a.m. - September 17, 2007 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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